No one enjoys difficult conversations.
Yet as leaders in the public service, avoiding them doesn’t make problems go away. It usually makes them stick around longer, quietly growing into bigger issues that are harder to resolve.
There’s a useful analogy I often share with leaders: treat your difficult conversations like muffins, not like good red wine.
A freshly baked muffin is best just out of the oven, after a few minutes to cool. It doesn’t improve by being locked away in a dark room. By contrast, good red wine gets better with age.
Too often, leaders treat hard conversations like wine, they keep them stored away, waiting for the “right moment”. But in leadership, those perfect moments rarely come.
Conversations that should be muffins get treated like wine, and by the time they finally happen, they’ve gone cold and stale. Difficult conversations do not get better with age.
The Real Cost of Waiting
A recent Harvard Business Review article highlights common mistakes managers make when giving negative feedback and how delaying or mishandling these conversations undermines effectiveness. Managers who wait often fall into patterns like minimising the issue, burying feedback in praise, or lacking clarity about the behaviour they need to address. All of these mistakes get harder, not easier, the longer the conversation is put off. (Harvard Business Review, January 2025)
In the public sector, the stakes are higher because of the way we work:
- Teams often operate for long stretches together because projects and policy cycles take months or years.
- Performance and behaviour impacts aren’t isolated; they ripple through service delivery, culture and stakeholder confidence.
- Relationships are interdependent and long-term, which makes confrontation feel risky.
So leaders delay.
Then they delay some more.
Before long, the issue feels so big and emotionally charged that the conversation becomes even harder.
Why Leaders Dodge Hard Conversations
Here are some of the most common drivers we see in government contexts:
Fear of Damaging Relationships
Leaders worry that being frank will create tension and make future collaboration harder.
Uncertainty About How to Frame Feedback
Leaders want to be “constructive” but aren’t confident they can do it well. They worry about saying the wrong thing.
Discomfort with Emotional Responses
Hard conversations can bring out discomfort in both parties, especially when stakes are high and roles are visible.
Belief That Time Will Make It Better
This is the “wine cellar” thinking — if I wait long enough, the problem might fix itself.
But here’s the truth: waiting doesn’t change the issue, it often strengthens it. Behaviour that doesn’t get addressed becomes embedded, and solutions that might have been simple become complicated.
What Happens When You Treat Conversations Like “Muffins”
If difficult conversations are treated like muffins — best handled soon after they appear — several positive things happen:
Clarity Is Delivered When It’s Still Relevant
The person you’re speaking with can still connect cause and effect because the situation is recent.
Issues Don’t Fester and Escalate
Unchecked behaviour can infect team morale, undermining trust and performance.
Your Confidence Increases
Leaders who practise early, clear dialogue build their leadership muscle. This makes the next conversation easier not harder.
Relationships Strengthen, Not Weaken
When feedback is given respectfully and sooner rather than later, people feel genuinely trusted and respected with clear expectations — not blindsided or criticised after the fact.
Practical Steps to Make It Easier
Delaying doesn’t come from laziness; it comes from uncertainty. Here are simple actions that help you treat conversations like muffins:
1. Prepare a Clear Purpose
Know what you want the outcome to be, not just what you want to say.
2. Focus on Impact, Not Intent
Talk about what behaviour caused what result, not what you assume someone meant to do.
3. Be Specific
General feedback feels vague and unhelpful. Specific examples make conversations actionable.
4. Invite Collaboration
Ask questions like: “What are you experiencing? How might we handle this going forward?” Collaboration reduces defensiveness and builds shared ownership.
5. Schedule It Sooner Rather Than Later
Delaying “just a bit more” almost always leads to more delay. Treat the conversation like a freshly baked muffin: handle it while it’s still warm.
Why This Matters in Government
Public service leaders are judged on outcomes, but those outcomes are driven by people performance. Avoiding hard conversations may feel safer in the short term, but it usually leads to:
- Lower team performance
- Frustration among high performers
- A culture where feedback is whispered, not spoken
- Leaders feeling like they’re always putting out fires
Addressing issues quickly and well not only solves the immediate problem — it strengthens your leadership presence and demonstrates respect for the people you lead.
In other words, conversations handled early are not punishments; they are investments in clarity, trust and performance.
How coaching can help
Many of the leaders I work with use coaching specifically to prepare for difficult conversations.
We create space to work out what really needs to be raised, explore what else might be contributing to the situation, and practise the conversation before it happens. This helps leaders go in clear, calm and confident, rather than reactive or uncertain.
Leadership coaching gives you a confidential place to think, test ideas, and strengthen your judgement before high-stakes conversations.
Find out more about coaching with me here.